Caitlin Burritt  00:00 

Thank you for listening to the Unsilencing Stories Podcast. We are in the midst of a public health crisis. More than 32,000 people in Canada have died from fatal opioid overdoses since 2016 according to Health Canada. Previously, this podcast featured interviews with bereaved people in smaller towns and communities in BC and Alberta who have lost loved ones to fatal overdose. In this phase, we're sharing interviews with seven harm reduction workers, also known as peers, in different parts of BC. 

Caitlin Burritt  00:27 

The BC Centre for Disease Control Harm Reduction Services defines harm reduction as support services and strategies that aim to keep people safe and minimise death, disease and injury from high risk behaviour. Peers face a lot of challenges. This has been documented by many researchers including Zahra Mamdani and colleagues in BC. In their 2021 paper they outline significant challenges peers face including financial struggles, difficulty finding housing and stressors at work. We wanted to explore these themes with peers and find out more about their experiences and share this information with the public. So we conducted multiple remote interviews with harm reduction workers and invited them to talk about the stressors they face. 

Caitlin Burritt  01:06 

Please note this podcast contains information about substance use, overdose death, grief, trauma and stressors that peers face and this may be distressing to listen to. The podcast is part of a research project led by Aaron Goodman, PhD, faculty member at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Surrey, BC, and conducted under the auspices of a grant known as the Chancellor's Chair Award. I'm Caitlin Burritt, a researcher with the project. A number of researchers including Giorgia Ricciardi and Chloe Burritt, who happens to be my sister, and a number of students have played key roles in the study and you'll hear many of their voices in this podcast. 

Caitlin Burritt  01:40 

In this episode, you'll hear Lily speak about a recent death in her personal life due to the opioid overdose epidemic with Lucas Akai and Esther Cheung. Lily discusses the shock of her loss as well as the daily impact of grief on her relationships, family, and career. 

Lucas Akai  01:54 

Alrighty  

Lily  01:55 

yeah  

Lucas Akai  01:56 

perfect, so you know, a little background, I guess, as you had mentioned it briefly last week, and maybe you can, we can just start by laying some foundation and start with maybe your relationship to [bleeped]? 

Lily  02:08 

Okay, so I was in relationship with his brother [bleeped], for I guess, three years, we broke up last fall. [Bleeped] passed away in March of the year before last, so it's like, been a year and half or more. So [bleeped] and I were still together during all of that. And so I was dating [bleeped] and um we live in [bleeped].  And [bleeped]'s mum lives in [bleeped] as well. As well as [bleeped] did.  

Lily  02:43 

[Bleeped] lived in the same apartment building as his mom, just on different floors. So he was on the first floor, and she was on the third floor. So anytime we'd like, we'd go over for dinner there, like, maybe like once a month or every two months, right. And it would always be the four of us, and at family gatherings and Christmas and all of that, I guess, since I met [bleeped]. So probably for that two and a half years, we were together, I also had that relationship with [bleeped] seeing him like as regularly as I saw his mom.  

Lucas Akai  02:43 

Right. 

Lucas Akai  03:12 

right.  

Lily  03:12 

And [bleeped] and [bleeped] were very close. [Bleeped] 'cause he's one of three boys. His other brother lives in [bleeped] and he's very, very close with all of his brothers. [Bleeped] was the oldest, [bleeped] was in the middle and then he has a younger brother. 

Lucas Akai  03:27 

Right. 

Lily  03:28 

I mean, they're all like, in their 40s, like  

Lily  03:31 

right. Right, right,  right 

Lily  03:32 

early 40s. But um, yeah, very, very close with his brothers. Um, [bleeped] was like, someone that struggled a little bit, not, not that we ever saw with drugs visibly. But more just kind of like socially, like he, he was on disability and he just like, was somebody that had a hard time holding down a job and mainly due to anger issues, it seemed.  

Lily  03:57 

Like he just got really frustrated easily and it was just kind of more like, I wouldn't say like developmentally like, he presented just  

Lucas Akai  04:05 

right  

Lily  04:05 

as a normal, like in a nice way to say,  

Lily  04:08 

guy, but um still just like, struggled a bit like with like, yeah, just anger, mental health and the ability to kind of hold down a job like that. He'd always kind of tell people what's what and kind of get himself in trouble, hard to hold back his opinion, but he was a great guy, always super friendly, lumberingly tall, super giant guy. And just like, really friendly. Ever since I've met him he'd always reach out and give me hugs and always made me feel very, like, welcomed, kind of coming into their family as his brother's partner. You know, it's kind of funny I remember like, once we got to know each other, you know, [he'd] like always say goodbye after dinner, give me a big hug and like, squeeze me in for this giant like six foot two hug. I'm like five foot two. He might even [have] been taller than that, actually. He was like the kind of guy that like duck to go through a doorway, you know?  

Lucas Akai  04:08 

right  

Lucas Akai  04:58 

Right. 

Lily  04:59 

Snuggle me in for hug and like kiss my forehead, you know? He was just big, kind of awkward, like, hugs but really friendly guy. And  um, yeah, and he was somebody that I think do to, so like, along with him, it's kind of struggling a bit with just work and those kind of life things. He was a bit of like, a bit of a recluse as well, like he is the kind of guy that didn't have a lot of friends spend a lot of time just playing video games by himself, and, but he was happy for who he was, but maybe just like, a little different than the rest of us, socially. And he was also someone that was like very, very close with his mum. I think maybe also for that reason, so and a little more reliable than my partner [bleeped] though. My partner [bleeped], you could kind of say is a bit of a, a hippie, and we were both kind of going through similar struggle with addictions. That was, you know, we're kind of hiding from his mom hiding that from his mom a bit and, but it led him to be like, maybe not as responsible, like, if his mom needed, like, help with moving something like she knew she could call [bleeped] because he'd be right there.  

Lily  06:08 

Whereas [bleeped] he might not reply for a day, like, just not as like, reliable like, still loves his mum to bits, but was just a bit more like, you know, to his own life. [Bleeped] was like, always there for his mum like that. And living in the same building. Like they, they seem to spend a lot more time together than, they used to spend a lot of time together. Prior to him moving into the first floor, he was actually living with his mother. So this is like 

Lucas Akai  06:37 

I see  

Lily  06:38 

early 40s guy, you know, living with mom, on disability, playing video games, like, kinda  

Lucas Akai  06:43 

sure  

Lily  06:44 

get that that picture a bit, but uh, within about the last year that he passed, he had managed to move into his own place, but in the same building. But still, like, he would have like, regular dinners with his mom, like, even if [bleeped] I weren't there because they lived  

Lucas Akai  06:59 

right  

Lily  07:00 

commonly, and he wasn't, you know, like [bleeped] with a big social life and more substance use, which made him not as available to mom. And so I guess that's a bit about him. And then yeah, so he moved into his own place. And but again, yeah, I had two Christmases with him, Thanksgivings, Easter'. And his mom's a very like, does the holidays like that, you know, and we went there for all those gatherings like all those kinds of standard get togethers, we would always go and [bleeped] would already have been there helping make dinner and prepping things and [bleeped] and I would arrive because we lived together elsewhere. And it was always the four of us and this mom loved playing card games and board games. So it was pretty standard that after dinner, we'd always play some games. So definitely when we lost him, like that was a big effect.  

Lily  07:50 

I was talking about like, the purple chair in the symbology of 

Lucas Akai  07:53 

yeah 

Lily  07:54 

how that in the opiate crisis, represents for the families that missing seat at the dinner 

Lucas Akai  07:59 

right  

Lily  07:59 

table, and you really like notice and feel that, I think, when it does hit you directly, like, there's all the loss I've seen in my workplace, but um, when it's like within your own family like that, like. Like, that's something you really feel, like well, now, like we went to, we'd play games with mom after dinner, but it would be a team of three. So it's uneven.  

Lucas Akai  08:20 

right  

Lily  08:20 

you know? You need pairs of two, like just really kind of noticing that difference. Let alone just the grief of that family was like one of the hard, like, having to witness a mom go through that is like one of the worst things because you just know, there's nothing you can say to make it better. And she would be tearful about it anytime it would come up. I think she still tells me probably not a single day that has gone by since he passed that she still does not cry for him. So. So what happened that day? It was mid March, like a year and a half ago. Not sure what year that is right now. 2020? Yeah, I think it was right at the start of COVID, if that makes sense. I think. I'm not sure. March, a year and a half ago, whenever that is.  

Lucas Akai  09:03 

Yep.  

Lily  09:05 

So what was happening? [Bleeped] had seen him the day before, too and they had hung out and he remembered the last thing he ever said to his brother was "I love you." And little did we know. So that was Saturday, the last day that [bleeped] saw him and then on the Sunday [bleeped]'s mom had been texting him and was saying "hey, have you heard from [bleeped]. Like, I can't get ahold of him. He was supposed to come up here for dinner. And now he's not answering his phone. It's kind of weird. Like, have you heard from him?"  

Lily  09:35 

And I think I think me and [bleeped] had been probably partying the night before or something. Were kind of sleeping it off or [bleeped] was pretty good about ignoring his phone when he wasn't in a state to want to talk to his mom. Like he hadn't even really been paying attention to his phone at all. And then eventually when he kind of looked at it, he's like, "oh, shoot," like "mom can't get a hold of him."  It had probably been some time since she messaged him that. We tried, to get a hold of him, couldn't reach him. And I can't really remember like, how that all went. But basically, after quite a while his mum was kind of tired of waiting to hear back from [bleeped] and was concerned enough that she had keys [to] [bleeped]'s apartment um, and just felt like something was weird that like, he wasn't getting back to her and he was supposed to be there for dinner. And it was really odd that he wouldn't answer because he wasn't like [bleeped] who could be sleeping for three days or not reply and that would be like kind of normal.  

Lily  10:40 

But for [bleeped] it was pretty unusual. And I think [bleeped] had a bit of guilt from not being able to attend to the concerns from his mom. [Bleeped] felt pretty bad that he wasn't able to, kind of get there first because in not getting a reply or hearing back and not being able to reach [bleeped] for an answer. His mom decided to go check on [bleeped] in the apartment herself, by herself. So she, with her key to his place, knocked and no answer and she opened up the door to go in to just see what was up and she found him in the bathroom of his one bedroom apartment, blue and deceased. It looks like he was probably sitting on a toilet while using and then was found collapsed over into the bathtub, completely blue and dead, with nothing that could have been done. Like we don't know when he would have passed. It could have been up to 12 hours earlier, we're not sure, like, maybe the night before, like sometime in Saturday overnight. He was found maybe around 7pm Sunday, so very long time. And I can't even imagine, lik,e we weren't there for that part. But oh my God must have that not been... 

Lily  11:51 

I don't think there could be anything worse than having to walk into that apartment and see him, because people are very blue when they die of fentanyl overdose like, I don't know if you've seen it in real life. But like the colour of your sweater, I'm not even joking, like they are blue. So it is a really, really frightening thing to see. 

Lily  12:09 

Because they've just completely lost all oxygen. Like their lips are like purple-white, and their skin is actually blue. So his poor mom had to find that and I guess was screaming into the hallway, some neighbours helped call 911. And that's when [bleeped] and I were noticing frantic calls from her. So [bleeped] then picked up the phone and was like, "Oh, I tried to call [bleeped]" and I can't remember how, and I just remember. I just remember [bleeped] getting that call and answering the call with him standing in the kitchen and just like knowing something was wrong. It was just like, I wasn't hearing the call. But he was just like, "oh my god, oh my god, like, we gotta go. We gotta go now. Like, now we gotta go, [bleeped]." And then I was like, I didn't really know what was going on. I sensed that something awful had happened. Oh, I just got total goosebumps. Sensed that something awful had clearly happened with how like, was just like, "Okay, go!" Like, "get your jacket like right now, we're going." I was like, " do you want me to drive?"  He's like, "No, we gotta get there like now."  

Lucas Akai  13:07 

Right.  

Lily  13:08 

So he drove my car, it was just like racing there. Like we had to drive from, we were in [bleeped], drove to [bleeped], it's about like a 20 minute drive. And yeah, we just drove as fast as possible. He drove so he had control. I was like "you're upset." 'Cause we were getting there as fast as humanly possible. And, yeah, so we pulled up to the apartment building and we're like walking up to the front door. And it's like a entrance lobby, like you can kind of see through the glass door.  

Lucas Akai  13:34 

sure 

Lily  13:34 

so [we're] walking up to the apartment and um, just remember walking into that and seeing police officers standing with his mom, who was sitting in like the chair of the apartment lobby, and just being like, oh my god, like, What the fuck? So yeah, that was when we learned that his mom was just like, [bleeped's] dead, [bleeped]'s dead. And it was really surreal, and really awful. And it was just like, we didn't even really know him to do drugs, I think one or two times like, like, [bleeped] were always the drug users and [bleeped] knew  

Lucas Akai  14:13 

Right. 

Lily  14:13 

And there was like, one time I think he wanted some stuff for like him and a friend on a random night. And he asked and we got him something that we knew was safe. But then for whatever reason, it seemed like he grabbed and didn't ask us for assistance. Yeah, he ended up grabbing whatever it was that killed him. He didn't ask us, he didn't tell us which led to him getting an unsafe supply 

Lucas Akai  14:36 

right  

Lily  14:37 

and using alone, which killed him. So we... Yeah, like the coroner was there and the police and some, some of the police officers had recognised me as being staff at the big housing building I worked at.  

Lucas Akai  14:51 

Right, right.  

Lily  14:52 

And with some time to chat, they asked us if we wanted to see him. So at that point they had got him up onto the gurney in the body bag, and he's still inside his apartment, but they had like, lifted him up onto the gurney, put him in the black zip bag. And were just kind of waiting for us to get there and kind of giving us a chance to see him. So  

Lucas Akai  15:18 

right, right  

Lily  15:19 

[Bleeped], me, and this mum who had already seen him, but the three of us went in and so we got to witness and see his blue dead body, unfortunately, on the gurney, and then it just really hit them. Yeah, it was, that was really intense having to see that pain in his mother and then [bleeped] seeing for the first time, it was just frickin' awful, just awful. So yeah, there's one thing seeing death at work, but then when it hits your family like that. It was just like, Oh my God.  

Lily  15:48 

Yeah, it looked like, it looked like like, I mean, later, what was found was like, they found like a pipe that looked like it should have been used for like crack or wasn't tinfoil or anything. But the product that was found, we brought to testing later and it was just pure fentanyl, it was 100% pure fentanyl 

Lucas Akai  16:04 

right, right  

Lily  16:05 

So either he went to grab, say, down from the homeless community, for whatever reason didn't ask [bleeped] when he knew he could have and maybe asked for cocaine or crack and was sold pure fentanyl instead as a mistake, or, 'cause it wasn't smoked in a way that you would normally smoke them. Like the method was wrong, you know? So I guess that it was like, they just sold them the wrong thing. And whether that was an accident, or, God forbid, say somebody only had fentanyl on them and here's some guy that's not from the community looking to buy a crack. I'll just sell this because I'm still gonna make 20 bucks. Right? I really hope that wasn't it because that killed him. I'm just hoping it was a mistake, that they gave him the wrong product, and that it wasn't just to make a buck. But unfortunately, you never know in this community. Hence why legalisation is smart.  

Lily  16:55 

People could go buy safe drugs, they wouldn't risk buying the wrong thing, uncontrolled, that will kill them, right? The shame of not being able to tell [bleeped] what he was doing, like, why didn't he ask us this time? Like, did he not want us to know that he was doing it? So he did this way and used alone, like, using alone is also the biggest risk for overdose because there's just no one there to get you help, right? Okay, where am I going now? So, yeah, so that was all kinds of awful. Either that, or there was a wonder if maybe he had already been using opiates and just didn't tell us but I personally from working with opiate addicts, I really doubt that. He didn't show signs in any way of somebody that was an opiate user. I think the most likely scenario was that he went looking for something and bought the wrong product, whether that was an intentional sale or not. And either way he was alone, and it killed him. So yeah, the aftermath of that was just yeah, just so much pain from his mum and I helped them plan the funeral. Which was also really sad [indiscernible] just like his mum couldn't really handle a lot of that.  

Lily  18:10 

So I did the research of which funeral home we should go for. And yeah, as his brother, like, wrote, this brother is like a good speaker and not [bleeped, but his brother [bleeped] was able to do the eulogy and wrote like, a nice poem for him and photo montage, everything a funeral is, right.  

Lucas Akai  18:30 

Mhmm.  

Lily  18:31 

Yeah, that was really really crappy. And then since then, it's just like, it's just that pain that just doesn't go away that just perpetuates in a family like, it's not like at work or like, oh, it's done and kind of gone. I guess. It's like, I had to watch [bleeped] struggle with that pain for so long. Every time we saw [bleeped], I had to watch her struggle with that pain like so brutally like, she like, you just don't get over that. Just like, yeah, yeah, there's a couple little interesting side lines of there's some weird like, kind of spiritual activities, so to speak. A good few times of like, you know, like they say like ghosty things or like just signs, like we had more than a few of those on more than one occasion. So what was one thing? Um. But there was one time in her place and we're talking about this is how [bleeped] would have liked it or this and that, and then the big glass portrait that she had hanging, just fell off the wall, just completely fell off the wall. That was weird. And then another thing was, can't remember how it started that we started to symbolise like a ladybug with him.  

Lily  19:39 

His mom had this like Ladybug teapot, I can't remember what it was, and it was always representative of [bleeped]. I'm not getting this right of how she associated him with lady bugs. But we would just then start to find random lady bugs like in her house randomly, or like, even at my place, like up in like, like this thing. come from like, where would that come from? Like, just, you know what I mean? Something we associated with him, and we'd talk about him, it'd be like, "Oh," and there's a little lady, but like, it would just like appear when we would talk about him like, a real life ladybug. So that was kind of like eerie and creepy. And his mum still would tell me like multiple stories of like, how these things would just like appear like that.  

Lily  20:19 

So I remember for her birthday that year, I bought her this really lovely stained glass image of some lady bugs. Yeah, it's kind of weird how, like, you know, you get those signs from the dead sometimes that you think, you know, like, just too uncanny that it like, totally more stories of that kind of stuff that his mom experienced as well. But um, I think those are just kind of humbling more than anything, you just kind of feel the presence, like she would see the ladybug in her house and just like, leave it, you know, "I'm not gonna bring that thing outside," like, just let it be. 

Lucas Akai  20:53 

Well, so maybe speaking to your own experience. And of course, at the time I imagine, you're working with [bleeped], right?  

Lily  20:59 

Yeah.  

Lucas Akai  21:00 

So how did you find? How was your own response, kind of in the moment? Did you find that, like, experiences you had of [bleeped] affected the way you react to it? Or was this such a shock that it was something entirely different?  

Lily  21:12 

Well, it was like, I mean, it was sucked, because it was like, it was already done, right? Like it was, there was no, it didn't happen in front of me, I had no chance to save him. It was just like, discovering the dead body, unfortunately. It just felt so much more like real and the pain of it, like lasted so much more than anything at work. Because it was like, in my family, and my partner who was affected by that every frickin' day. And then his mom, we were trying to give extra support to like, I think it was just like, just this on, ongoing thing.  

Lucas Akai  21:45 

Right, right.  

Lily  21:45 

My reaction. I mean, I'm at least like, it wasn't my family directly. So I mean, it might have been more painful if it was like, my brother, but it's just still heartbreaking to witness, I guess, so. Yeah. Then it like I think it like, honestly, like probably it was of some effect on like, the slow downfall of our relationship from their like, [bleeped] were like really good the whole two and a half years, we were together before that we never fought, we never argued and then like, he just started getting like, such anger problems he never had before, just like, like it led to relationship challenges because he was in so much pain. And then in the fall, we ended up breaking up, we're still like, on good talking terms. And I still go for walks with his mum, sometimes in town here. And, you know, when I went to that overdose, the purple vigil, I asked her if she wanted to see some of the pictures. And she did and like thanked me for doing that. And we still stay in touch. Like that's kind of nice that we're, we're still on good terms and, but yeah it's like, his poor mum. It's just awful, so. 

Lucas Akai  22:45 

Absolutely. And so of course, we've talked about it in past weeks, but I think it's very relevant that maybe we just go over the memorial that was held and just talk about that a little bit. 

Lily  22:55 

 Overdose Awareness one, or?  

Lucas Akai  22:57 

Yeah, absolutely. 

Lily  23:00 

There was um, like I guess I described that a bit last week. I just remembered there was kind of two parts to [bleeped's] funeral as well.  

Lucas Akai  23:06 

Right.  

Lily  23:07 

There was like the direct funeral, like, two weeks after it happened at a funeral home, which was like that, but then in the summer of that year, so that was March, then in July. They kind of planned like, what do you call it? There's a memorial and there's like a  

Lucas Akai  23:07 

oh yeah  

Lily  23:17 

I don't know what the term is. A wake?  

Lucas Akai  23:25 

right. Right, right.  

Lily  23:26 

Yeah, like more like that, where we actually all travelled to the Kootenays. We went up to the Valhalla mountains. So they always, there's something about [bleeped] being a Viking and he was always considered a Viking and have that kind of look and feel and energy and that was like a term known to him. They planned a Viking funeral send off for him in the Valhalla mountains. So we all drove up just past Slocan, like a week trip going up there with all his family and friends. And they brought his ashes and they built, [bleeped] was a carpenter, so with his brother, they built like a Viking ship. I don't know maybe about like two or three feet long?  

Lily  24:04 

They built a little wooden ship with like a little dragon head, like a flag, built this ship that actually floated and then they put most of his ashes in there, I think. Maybe some were kept by the brothers. And they put the ashes in the boat, and we played some music and everybody gathered on the beach, and they pushed this little boat out into the water of the Valhalla mountains. And then they air, bow and arrow fired it and lit it on fire. And then we watched it burn until it sank. So that was kind of his like, send off in that way while people played music, they played songs, they cried. They played guitar , they, and we just like, mingled on the beach and shared stories, right? So that was his like, celebration of life, like send off, that summer. 

Lucas Akai  24:52 

So did you find that, you know, after this event that you, you're, you found like there was a lingering effect when you went into work or, or how was that in terms of your response there? 

Lily  25:03 

Not really like, I wasn't as personally affected, I think it's just  

Lily  25:08 

just really sucks knowing there's like nothing you can do to make it better. Like it just, you know, seeing my partner be upset that was something I supported him with every day as we lived together, being there for his mom more than we were before just really having to step up to the plate on that and just nothing you could do to make that better because no matter what you said, or what you did, he still died. And it was still a horrific, tragic death. So as much as I wasn't as personally sad, like I mean, of course, I was sad for [bleeped], of course.  

Lucas Akai  25:08 

right  

Lily  25:39 

It was more just that like, kind of the like, being the support person to the people that were truly grieving like that. And just like, just being at a loss of like, just be there but like nothing can ever make that better, take that pain away. Just tried to be as supportive as possible and help out extra like, you know, be there more for his mom. Make sure we were going over, like she'd be like, because it was the little things. She had one of those water cooler jugs but you got to like lift it up.  

Lucas Akai  26:06 

Right, right. 

Lily  26:07 

She'd be like "oh God, I'd always call [bleeped] to lift that for me" and so like we'd like make sure we were like it stepped [bleeped] up to the plate to be like more like "I gotta be there for my mom. No, like, [bleeped]'s not there, like. So we just made sure we checked in with her more and like I said, I still go for walks with her about maybe every two or three months, we're still in touch. Because she always respected me as me, and me and [bleeped] aren't together anymore. But yeah, it's kind of nice that we still go on dog walks and not as direct that she's like talking about that anymore. But like, you know, she knows that I was there through that and she respects me as a person and just sucks because there's nothing you can do. So I wasn't as affected like, I might've taken a day off work and you know, I made sure I took time off work to go on that trip to the Kootenays. 

Caitlin Burritt  26:50 

That brings us to the end of this episode of the Unsilencing Stories Podcast. To listen to more interviews in the series, please go to www.unsilencingstories.com, and if you'd like to share your thoughts on the episode, message us at unsilencingstories@gmail.com. Thank you for listening.