Unsilencing Stories

Episode 21: Colin Goddard in Cranbrook, B.C. Remembers a Friend

March 25, 2023 Unsilencing Stories
Unsilencing Stories
Episode 21: Colin Goddard in Cranbrook, B.C. Remembers a Friend
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, you will hear Shane Mathis interviewing Colin Goddard in Cranbrook, B.C. about his friend who died from an opioid overdose or drug-related accident. 

Jenna Keeble 00:00

Unsilencing Stories is a podcast that reflects the voices of people in small towns and communities in Canada, who have lost loved ones to the toxic drug supply crisis. Since 2016. More than 30,000 people have died from fatal overdoses in Canada and that number continues to climb. The risk in smaller towns and communities is much higher than urban areas because of a lack of harm reduction services, and stigma against substance use and people who use drugs. This podcast is part of a community based participatory research project facilitated by Aaron Goodman, Ph.D., a faculty member at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Surrey, B.C., along with students Jenna Keeble and Ashley Pocrnich.  

The aim was to assist collaborators in publicly memorializing their loved ones and expressing grief as well as challenging silences imposed by dominant media organizations and stigma from society against substance use and people who use drugs. We hope these nuanced stories make it clear why the government needs to be doing more to prevent further deaths. Please note this podcast contains information about overdose death, grief and trauma that may be distressing to listen to. In this episode, you'll hear Shane Mathis interviewing Colin Goddard in Cranbrook, B.C. Colin remembers his friend who died from an opioid overdose or drug related accident.

 

Shane 01:15

What is your first and last name?

 

Colin 01:17

Colin Goddard.

 

Shane 01:19

Where do you live? Name city, town, province.

 

Colin 01:24

Right now, Cranbrook, B.C.

 

Shane 01:29

Is there one person who would like to speak about who died from an overdose?

 

Colin 01:34

Oh, it's hard to say I know a lot of people that have died from overdose. And yeah, I lost quite a few people over the last few years.

 

Shane 01:43

Can you tell me their first and last name?

 

Colin 01:47

Megan Wilson, the number one. Most of the time. People that I've had experiences with dying I bring back somehow. Or if I couldn't, then the ambulance would bring them back. But I don't know myself, I’ve died over 40 times. After you get Narcan so many times your memory goes. and it's hard to focus and remember individuals, it's really hard.

 

Shane 02:21

What was her age?

 

Colin 02:23

I'm not even sure how old, I think she was in her 40s or 50s. I can't remember with Megan. We would go mushroom picking out in Nelson. We'd go into the forest and just spend the whole day in the woods. When she died, she was walking down the street and then just face planted coming down some stairs outside the civic center,10 minutes before that, we were just smoking fentanyl in Stepping Stones homeless shelter there.

 

Shane 03:03

Where did they live?

 

Colin 03:05

They were, she was homeless living in a homeless shelter there in Nelson.

 

Shane 03:11

Could you describe a moment or time that you shared together?

 

Colin 03:15

Yeah, like we just go up mushroom picking. She was a transgender. And so, she would be always apologizing for like, just being herself, right. And I thought it was kind of sad that I guess she was probably in her 50s I'm guessing somewhere. And so, she was scrutinized a lot for being transgender and didn't feel comfortable in her own skin. People just really made her feel unwelcome. And she took it really bad to heart and she started off using side. Just methamphetamine and then when the fentanyl came in like she changed.

 

Shane 04:01

What do you remember most about her?

 

Colin 04:04

10 minutes before that we were just smoking, and we had dinner. She went off, went for a walk and then I came outside the homeless shelter and the ambulance is already there. I guess one of the staff at the homeless shelter, I don't know how they knew that was going to happen, but as it happened, they rushed, and she didn't make it.

 

Shane 04:29

What is your relationship to them? 

 

Colin 04:32

Just a friend. 

 

Shane 04:34

Tell me about them.

 

Colin 04:36

I didn't go to the memorial. I don't go to funerals and stuff like that. I have kind of an issue with that, and I don't know.

 

Shane 04:50

What is your first memory of them?

 

Colin 04:53

Well, I met her at the homeless shelter.

 

Shane 04:56

Do you have a best memory of them?

 

Colin 04:58

Yeah, spending time with them. During the forest picking mushrooms, she had this eye, like I couldn't even see half the mushrooms she saw. And like, wow, she didn't get to go out and do stuff like that with many people, just for the fact that, you know, not many people. I don't know her just open about it, you know, like, and I don't judge people for their life choices, and I try to be positive to people, you know. Because you never know when they're going to ghost on you.

 

Shane 05:34

What did that mean to you?

 

Colin 05:36

Well, I think after Megan died, I started dying lots. It made me look at death a little different.

 

Shane 05:47

Are you comfortable to talk about their death and how did they die?

 

Colin 05:52

She was walking down a set of stairs in Nelson and just face planted onto the concrete face first and blacked out and died right there on the spot.

 

Shane 06:07

What was the hardest part about losing her?

 

Colin 06:10

Not having that person around anymore as a friend. You know, somebody I could talk to, I would kind of help her and boost her spirit a little, give her just a shoulder to cry on kind of thing. Yeah, she was pretty cool.

 

Shane 06:25

What do you miss about them?

 

Colin 06:27

Her smile. When she came over. She just, I don't know. She was always positive. She wouldn't judge you for your drug habit or whatever, you know, or personal life choices. You know, she was just a really cool person.

 

Shane 06:45

Can you talk about the various obstacles they overcame in life?

 

Colin 06:50

Well, she was transgender, right. So, being in a small town like Nelson, there's a lot of hate mentality up there, right. I grew up in Vancouver and that's kind of like a normal thing out there.

 

Shane 07:03

Is there anything you disagreed about, fought over, or experienced conflict?

 

Colin 07:10

No, we never fought over anything really. She didn't really like fighting really that much. But in all fairness, towards the end, the benzo dope that we were getting, I think we had a test, and it was like 98% Carfentanil with benzo and that changed her. It made her snappy a little bit towards the end. They're quick to anger.

 

Shane 07:38

What about them makes you smile.

 

Colin 07:41

Just forgiving nature. I don't know. She's just a really cool person. It was after, I kind of started dying lots too. In the last little while I came to the realization that it's not the drug I'm addicted to. It's the death. To consciously remember it, the experience of life after death and I've died over 40 times since she passed away. But I don't have many memories because the Narcan I think it fucks your head after you've been Narcan too many times. That's why I tell people not to Narcan me because I do a lot of drugs, right? A lot of people worry about me, but it's like, you know, I can't die. Every time I die, somebody brings me back and drives me nuts.

 

Shane 08:32

What did they look like?

 

Colin 08:35

Well depend, she would change lots, right? Like her hair would change. Some days she wears wigs. Some days she wears glasses, right? Like, just depends on how she felt, I guess.

 

Shane 08:49

Do you have any favorite jokes they used to tell.

 

Colin 08:53

No, she would kind of laugh at me for looking like I do. Sometimes I'll get all tweaked out and go on over and pick up feathers and put them in my hats and she'd always make fun of me for it. But in a good humor kind of way not like a like a bad thing. It was kind of funny.

 

Shane 09:16

What were their hopes and dreams for the future?

 

Colin 09:20

That I couldn't tell you. I really don't know. She just really wanted to be accepted. Being a transgender person in a small-town isn’t easy. Nelson's not a very big town.

 

Shane 09:33

How are you different now than you were before you lost them?

 

Colin 09:38

Well like I said, I got addicted to dying. A whole lot of it has to do with being able to talk to people that died because in the other world after death, it's sort of hard to explain it. You can't put it in English. It doesn't work like that. But it's just death is an addiction all in itself. I've come to realize.

 

Shane 10:01

What is an image of them that has stayed with you?

 

Colin 10:06

Her smile, her wide eyes. Just happy. She was a really, really happy person before, like the last month or so before she passed. Like I said the benzos made kind of everybody get a little snappy and quick to anger. I think she just missed a step because she was probably off in our little world and wasn't paying attention. Like we all do, right. Like, it happens.

 

Shane 10:39

Do you have any traditions to honor them?

 

Colin 10:42

Well, not really. No. But every time I go mushroom picking, I think of her. I remember we got these lobster mushrooms. She’d never had them before and I cooked them up on the wood stove. She never had them before, right. So, it was kind of kind of neat to see her pick the mushroom and then try it because she didn't. She wasn't really into mushrooms. But she had an eye for them like she could spot them a mile away.

 

Shane 11:15

What has helped you most in your grief?

 

Colin 11:18

Drugs and the ability to forget. That's helped me a lot.

 

Shane 11:27

How would you describe them?

 

Colin 11:29

Just a really giving caring person.

 

Shane 11:33

Do you have any nicknames for them or Terms of Endearment?

 

Colin 11:39

Megs, just Megs. 

 

Shane 11:42

Did they have a nickname for you?

 

Colin 11:45

Well, I just go by Buzz. That's kind of my nickname.

 

Shane 11:50

What is the particular time you recall they were especially happy?

 

Colin 11:55

When she'd go out to Ymir and there was a friend of hers that we had a mutual friend, she would go out there and spend some time out in Ymir there. It's kind of like off grid life out there. It’s really laid back. You're deep in the woods in the middle of nowhere. No electricity and like I was living like on the top of a mountain with no running water and no electricity for like four years. And yeah, it's a really small town, like 250-300 people maybe.

 

Shane 12:29

That’s a long time.

 

Colin 12:31

I don't know. I like being in the bush with silence. I get all weirded out when I'm around crowds of people.

 

Shane 12:39

Were they constantly late or early to events?

 

Colin 12:44

Late. Yeah, she ran on her own time, you know.

 

Shane 12:53

Do you have any funny stories about time just spent together?

 

Colin 12:58

In the back of the homeless shelter there in Nelson, at three in the morning, she just comes out and handed smokes out to everybody. That's kind of funny.

 

Shane 13:13

Did you ever discuss big decisions they made that impacted their life.

 

Colin 13:19

Yeah, well, just being a transgender in her day and age was it's a big decision, right. She got put through the wringer, pretty good I think, you know. She was always apologizing for just being herself.

 

Shane 13:34

If you knew they could drop by and visit to visit tomorrow, what's your ideal day spent together look like?

 

Colin 13:44

Out in the forest, just doing drugs and going for a nature walk.  Going on to buddy's property. And like, yeah, he had like, a bunch of cars and stuff and she'd always take things apart and see she was going to fix them and then never fix them. Just take them apart. Yeah, it's kind of funny.

 

Shane 14:09

What type of music that they listen to?

 

Colin 14:12

All sorts, mostly like, trance music, psy-trance, and stuff like that.

 

Shane 14:21

Was there a piece of clothing or something else they wore that you found distinguishes them or separates them from others?

 

Colin 14:29

No, because she would change lots. She always wore something different. Like, there's a lot of clothing bins and stuff like that out there. So, you know, free clothing. You know, when you're out in the middle of the night and you're all tweaked out and rummaging at it. 

 

Shane 14:46

How will you honor their memory?

 

Colin 14:52

In my mind, I have a hard time remembering things about people because a lot of people tell me a lot of things and I just don't remember. I don't remember what I did yesterday. So, remembering personal things about people is really difficult for me.

 

Shane 15:11

What do you wish you would have had said to them before they died?

 

Colin 15:16

Watch your step.

 

Jenna Keeble 15:18

That brings us to the end of this episode of the Unsilencing Stories podcast. To listen to more interviews in the series, please go to www.unsilencingstories.com, and if you'd like to share your thoughts on the episode, message us at unsilencingstories@gmail.com. Thank you so much for listening and please share the project with other people you know.