Episode 13: Shauna Russell in Prince George, B.C. Remembers Her Friend

Jenna Keeble 00:00

Unsilencing Stories is a podcast that reflects the voices of people in small towns and communities in Canada, who have lost loved ones to the toxic drug supply crisis. Since 2016. More than 30,000 people have died from fatal overdoses in Canada and that number continues to climb. The risk in smaller towns and communities is much higher than urban areas because of a lack of harm reduction services, and stigma against substance use and people who use drugs. This podcast is part of a community based participatory research project facilitated by Aaron Goodman, Ph.D., a faculty member at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Surrey, B.C., along with students Jenna Keeble and Ashley Pocrnich. 

The aim was to assist collaborators in publicly memorializing their loved ones and expressing grief as well as challenging silences imposed by dominant media organizations and stigma from society against substance use and people who use drugs. We hope these nuanced stories make it clear why the government needs to be doing more to prevent further deaths. Please note this podcast contains information about overdose death, grief and trauma that may be distressing to listen to. In this episode, you'll hear Stephanie Norton speaking with Shauna Russell in Prince George, B.C., about her friend Stephen, who experienced a fatal overdose in 2016.

Stephanie 01:14

Tell us about who they're talking about today, Shauna.

Shauna 01:17

So, I'm just going to talk about my friend, Stephen. He died in 2016. At kind of the beginning, he was like an old friend of mine, I actually don't know where he was when he died. So, he was either on Salt Spring Island, where he lived, or he was in Vancouver. I'm actually not totally clear even on the circumstances. I know that he died of like overdose, but it was the first time I ever heard anyone use the term fentanyl poisoning was when he died. That's what I was told he died of fentanyl poisoning. And I was like, what the heck. And so, I don't know if he was using like an opiate, or if he was using something that was just contaminated with fentanyl, but he didn't even know.

Stephanie 01:59

Can you describe a moment or time that you shared together.

Shauna 02:02

So, when I first met him, we used to hang out like at my apartment a lot. We just used to hang out and like watch TV and like smoke weed together. And it was really like a nice time in my life. I was young, like 17 and he's a little older than about 20. And so, I just remember going for lots of walks with him. So, we used to go for walks in the middle of the night hanging out in nature. 

Stephanie 02:29

So, would you say that's what you remember most? 

Shauna 02:31

Definitely just as like deep appreciation for nature. When I think about him, I like to think about being outside with him like lots of trees. And then I think the thing you know there's something that always reminds me of him there's like a certain song that just like always reminds me of him his like deep appreciation for you know, nature and beauty and music. 

Shauna 02:52

So, I don't know if you like would know this song so it's just like old do you know Ani DiFranco? Do you know the song, Both Hands? 

Stephanie 02:52

What's the song? I think I do. 

Shauna 02:53

Yeah, it's like a really beautiful song. And I don't know, like we just like both really connected with that song. And even though I never had a relationship with him, like a romantic relationship with him. And the song is sort of about, it's about going through like a breakup trying to like fight that breakup, because she's really like in love with the person kind of and has all this history with the person but they're just sort of growing apart. And they're like not really flourishing together. And it really doesn't like speak to our like relationship or interactions like at all but like it just we both just really connected with it. And I used to always play for him on the guitar, he'd be like, "Play Both Hands, play Both Hands". And yeah, he just like super loved it. That's all I'm like, if I hear that song, I just immediately think of them. 

Stephanie 03:50

What's your first memory of him? 

Shauna 03:52

So, I met him because we worked. We worked doing telemarketing together and it was like a total scam. Like every day it was just it was awful. And we were both just really desperate for a job calling people and selling them tickets to basketball games or home insurance or whatever we were selling at that time. He'd sit next to me, and we just chat with one another and so that's how we like first met.

Stephanie 04:17

What do you think Stephen meant to you? 

Shauna 04:19

So, he was someone that really came in and out of my life. But like he was always someone that I like knew, you know if I like needed someone to talk to or like needed support in some way. I could always kind of fall back on him. I felt like he sort of felt the same way about me. In Calgary and then I moved to Vancouver, and I think part of the reason that he came to Vancouver was to see me there. He had a lot of problems there and things got pretty tough for him and yeah, so it was just like he was always sort of someone who was always there. When I first found out he died. The person who contacted me was the mother of his son, and she told me, and I was like, “What? No way”. I didn't believe her. So, I just emailed him. I was like, “Hey, man, like, what the hell this chick just like, called me, or like, emailed me and was like, Oh, you're gone”. And I still kind of like have that email and I'm always like, oh, you didn't get it? You know.

Stephanie 05:22

What do you think has been the hardest part about losing?

Shauna 05:25

I think the hardest part about losing him was that right before he died, three or four days before he died, he, he'd reached out to me and so he wanted to go and live somewhere else. I'm looking for a farm to go to, can you help me find a farm that I could just work at? And they would let me stay there. And I was like, “Oh man, like, I would like love if you could come to stay on my farm. But I'm not like living there, right now”. I had some suggestions. Maybe this is how I think the hardest part is just thinking that he was sort of like in the situation that he wanted to get out of, he was looking for ways to get out. And he didn't, and I just couldn't help him. I wish I had been able to just be like, oh, just come stay with me, you know, and like, things could have been different. 

Stephanie 06:09

How do you think he would have wanted to be remembered?

Shauna 06:12

I think that he would want to be remembered just as a really kind, loving, nurturing person. He could be so like, calm and like stoic, such a deep thinker, so introspective. You asked him a question before he would answer, he would like, take a deep breath in and he would go. And then he would answer you. And so, he always thought so deeply about, like everything that he was going to like, say he would want to be remembered as intelligent and introspective and kind.

Stephanie 06:43

Do you have any specific stories you'd like to share? Or better yet? Is there something else about him that you think nobody else knows? Only you would know.

Shauna 06:53

I don't think so. You know, I think that he was just like a really like, open person. And I think that he was just like an open and honest person. And so, I think that when he especially if you like got to know him, you know, I think that he was like really easy to read. I don't think he was good at keeping secrets. I mean, I'm sure he had some, but I feel like most of the things that I know about him, a lot of other people in his life also knew.

Stephanie 07:22

What do you think he valued most?

Shauna 07:23

I think he really tried to be like a really ethical person. You know, I think he lived his life, really thinking about how he could always be a good person and how he could kind of help other people, even when he was going through really tough times. He had a lot of he really struggled with mental health. I remember, he wound up for a little while he was in the psych ward at the hospital in Vancouver. And I used to go and see him there. The whole time he was there, he was always trying to help all the other people that were there. And so, a lot of the other people that were there didn't have someone that was coming to see them. And so, it was sort of easy for me because I was living in downtown Vancouver anyways. And so, I could just pop in, you know, I worked right near the hospital, so I could pop in after work and see him and so he would be like, "Okay, so like bring smokes for this person. You could take this person outside for a walk, they can go out if they have someone who's escorting them", you know, even though he was having such a difficult time, he was thinking about all these people, people he just met, and being like, oh, they have all these needs that I want to help them with.

Stephanie 08:31

What is the particular time that you recall when he was especially joyful?

Shauna 08:36

Okay, just to remember this one time, walking around at night in this park in Calgary and walking through all these really big trees. He just was so grateful for life, just like being just to be out in nature. He just really appreciated the beauty pointing out all these different little things. And that time, especially, I think that we probably walked in that park for hours. It was not like a short little stroll or just wandering around for hours in the nighttime.

Stephanie 09:08

How do you think Stephen affected your life? 

Shauna 09:12

One of the things actually one of the ways that he really affected my life, just when I almost first met him. So, he wanted the two of us to make plans together, we were going to go work in Banff together. He had done that before he went and got a job and stayed in staff accommodations. So, I was like, let's do it and I started looking for a job and I got one in Jasper. And I was like, “Are we going to go? Do you want to do this?” And he was like, he was sort of like changed his mind. He was like, “I want to do something different”. And I was like, “Man, well, I think I want to do this”, and he was like, “You should do it. It's like a great experience. You should kind of get out get away from Calgary for a little bit”, like I don't think I would have done that without him pushing me to do it. 

I feel like it completely changed the course of my life because I think that just even leaving for you know that six months, so I was I worked that summer I was 17 when I got hired. And then until I was 18, I worked there, leaving just like had such a big impact on me. And then I moved back to Calgary. And then right after that, I was like, I'm going to Vancouver. And not long after that. He was like “Me too, I'm coming, too” and so yeah, I think that I think that just sort of encouraging me to move away and like, get more experience. Both of us moved all over the place. He lived all over B.C. and Alberta. And yes, it's kind of funny because I live in Prince George now. And he lived in Prince George for a few years. And I've never really heard of Prince George until he moved here. And then he was the only person that I ever knew that lived here. When I came here, it was after he had died. I was just like, suddenly so flooded by all of these like, memories, and just thoughts of him funny because there's this one park here that has got all these carvings in the trees. And so, when you’re walking through the park, you can see little faces, and they're not super obvious. 

Stephanie 11:05

I know the park. 

Shauna 11:06

You've been there. Yeah. And it's kind of really magical. I am so sure he would have gone there and just like loved it. And, yeah, we think like, oh, I wish I could have gone there with him.

Stephanie 11:18

Maybe he did some of the faces.

Shauna11:20

I don't think so. I think it's just one specific guy. I feel like he probably was like, I'm going to like to find this guy and be his friend.

Stephanie 11:30

What would you say to him? Now, if you could, if you could talk to him,

Shauna 11:34

I think I would just tell him that I miss him. You know, even though he was so kind and genuine and just could be like, go going, I think he was still pretty introverted. He didn't think about himself. He was like a big part of other people's lives. I think that he was in and out of people's lives often, you know, I think that I would just want to tell him that even though he was sort of in and out of my life, he was still like, a piece of my life with someone that really like meant a lot. And I don't know what I would ask him, I have no idea.

Stephanie 12:03

Is there anything that you'd like to add? 

Shauna 12:06

It's been a long time since he died. But I'm still like, clearly like emotional about it. I still, like, feel impacted by it. And it's just like, it's hard to imagine that he's really gone, right? It's hard to imagine, because especially when it's people that come in and out of your life pretty often, it's hard to imagine that they're still really gone. Like such a beautiful person. You know, like, he was just such a person who really appreciated beauty and really, like brought so much beauty to the world. It's just heartbreaking that this happened. 

Stephanie 12:37

Would you say that, like he was like a reminder for you of that in the world? If you like started slipping or being unhappy or like just feeling like the world is like kind of an ugly place. Would you find that you'd reach out to him?

Shauna 12:50

Yeah, I think that we were both like that with one another. You know, if I started to just feel I was in a dark place, you know, the world was cruel, people were cruel, you know, like he really would remind me of how genuine, kind, and good people could be.

Jenna Keeble 13:04

That brings us to the end of this episode of the Unsilencing Stories podcast. To listen to more interviews in the series, please go to www.unsilencingstories.com, and if you'd like to share your thoughts on the episode, message us at unsilencingstories@gmail.com. Thank you so much for listening and please share the project with other people you know.