Episode 10: Rachael McKerracher in Fort St. James, B.C. Remembers Her Friend Blair Lauren

Jenna Keeble 00:00

Unsilencing Stories is a podcast that reflects the voices of people in small towns and communities in Canada, who have lost loved ones to the toxic drug supply crisis. Since 2016. More than 30,000 people have died from fatal overdoses in Canada and that number continues to climb. The risk in smaller towns and communities is much higher than urban areas because of a lack of harm reduction services, and stigma against substance use and people who use drugs. This podcast is part of a community based participatory research project facilitated by Aaron Goodman, Ph.D., a faculty member at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Surrey, B.C., along with students Jenna Keeble and Ashley Pocrnich. 

The aim was to assist collaborators in publicly memorializing their loved ones and expressing grief as well as challenging silences imposed by dominant media organizations and stigma from society against substance use and people who use drugs. We hope these nuanced stories make it clear why the government needs to be doing more to prevent further deaths. Please note this podcast contains information about overdose death, grief and trauma that may be distressing to listen to. In this episode, you'll hear Juls Budau interviewing Rachael McKerracher, North of Fort St. James, British Columbia. McKerracher remembers Blair Lauren, a friend who experienced a fatal overdose in Montreal, Quebec in November 2021 at age 34,

Rachael 01:20

I live north of Fort St. James, the traditional territory of which has been this really interesting conversation, because I had to find out what territory I was in, you know, in order to give thanks to residing on it for another interview, and I had sort of known and had thoughts about what it was. But then I ended up speaking to elders who were telling me all these different things. So anyway, long story short, I do know that it is Caribou Territory. 

Juls 01:52

Is there one person that you want to talk about today? 

Rachael 01:55

Yes, I would also just like to say that there are so many people that I've lost, but I don't know that it would be appropriate to speak of them as individuals with their names and everything. But I'd like to talk about that more if we could. But yeah, I think you and I, Juls’, share in friendship with somebody that we lost. 

Juls 02:17

Who was that? 

Rachael 02:19

Blair. 

Juls 02:21

How old was Blair when they died?

Rachael 02:23

Blair was a few years younger than me. I knew them, felt like a lifetime ago. So, I don't think that it ever came up. You know, how old are you? And how old are you?

Rachael 02:33

Yeah, they were born in 1987. I know that because I got it wrong. And in one of my first postings, I put in 1988 because I just always remembered that they were like three years younger than me. 

Rachael 02:43

That sounds about right. 

Juls 02:45

When and where did you meet Blair?

Rachael 02:46

I met Blair, when I ended up moving to Guelph, Ontario. I'm from Toronto and I had been traveling and I met another woman who was like, "Come and live in Guelph. It's great. There's, you know, this house full of women and the rent's super cheap anyway”, so I ended up moving there. Then meeting Blair, because Blair lived in Kitchener, I believe. And so, we started throwing punk shows in the basement of this house. I don't know exactly the exact time that I met Blair, but it was probably during a punk show. We were probably pretty young. 

Juls 03:24

Do you remember about what year it was? 

Rachael 03:27

Probably 2005 or six?

Juls 03:31

Can you describe a little bit about what Blair was like, at that time when they were younger?

Rachael 03:35

Yeah, Blair was like this perfect, sweet creature. They were so gentle and so kind and just have this look on life that was so fresh and innocent. I mean, there wasn't a huge age difference between us, three years older, but I felt that it was just this innocence. It was this beautiful, cute. We ended up hanging out quite a bit. We ended up actually living in the same house for about a year. Mike gave Blair one of their tattoos on their neck. We used to just sit around and talk forever and like, you know, it was just so much fun. It was really like a very formative innocent time.

Juls 04:18

Can you give an example of that innocent outlook that you mentioned?

Rachael 04:22

So, I don't remember when this happened exactly. But Blair had made me a mixtape and it was some of their music, some other music. I think there was music on there that we had done together, very embarrassing, and sweet. They made me a mixtape; it was like decorated in this 12-year-old girl way. All these hearts, these like anarchy hearts. It almost felt like they kissed it like the lip print. And it said, "Rachel I'm in love with you and your banjo" because I play music, right? It was just like all these, like little pictures of my dog and like, written things. It was adorable. It was like something you'd make for your friend in elementary school, you know?

Juls 05:02

Did you stay friends with Blair over the years?

Rachael 05:05

Yes, not very close, there was a point where we had all lived in a house together. There were like 17 people living there or something. It was, I mean, crazy. Then after that the house dissolved and everybody moved and went all their separate ways. And I actually had gone on tour with my band at the time, Thick as Thieves. I'm not sure what Blair did, I think they went on tour too possibly. So, we talked back and forth a little bit, mostly because we were in a punk band together called Collateral Damage. We had just made tapes, and somebody had made the tapes. And it was like this curious thing where nobody could figure out where the digital copies were. 

So, we couldn't make more tapes. Because of course, we made like 10. And I think we're both really proud of it. So, every few years, you'd be like, "Hey, did you find out who has the digital copy of that thing I want to tape". And actually, just recently, a couple of weeks ago, one of the band members sent me a tape because I had lost them. So, it was really cool timing to hear Blair's voice mine and Blair's voice screaming together was really cute. 

Juls 06:11

That's so nice. 

Rachael 06:13

I can't remember what it was, when it was maybe 2015, I was living in Saskatchewan. Blair wrote me an email, sort of out of nowhere. And it was this beautiful, like long email. And they explained that they were trans and all their feelings around it. And I remember reading that and just, I had to put I was on my phone, and I was reading this email, and I put the phone down and I just went it was just so perfect. And I was so glad they found themselves. And it was it's like sometimes you know, and you, you just like watch somebody blossom into this into who they are. And when it comes around, it's like very amazing to see.

Juls 06:55

Are you comfortable talking about Blair's death? When did you hear about it?

Rachael 06:58

I got an email from my friend. I know them by the name of Dirt, of course. But Alison wrote to me and said, "Hey, did you hear the news?" And I was like, "Is it bad news? Or something along those lines?” And she said that somebody from like the past had died. And I knew that it was Blair. I wrote, I just wrote Blair question mark, because I just knew, I don't know why I am just that type of person. Maybe I can sense things as they happen. Or even before they happen. I just, I don't know. I just do.

Juls 07:33

Wow. Did they tell you anything about what happened?

Rachael 07:37

No, not really. I think that everyone was kind of confused in the beginning. Maybe that's also a bigger picture issue, you know, the stigma around overdose or cause of death and things like that. Like it's, it's usually when people don't tell me what happened. I just assume that's what happened.

Juls 07:56

Yeah, totally. It's almost like bad to say overdose because we're not there in Montreal. So, it's like everything that we communicate or about it is like public, on the internet. And then it's like, we're like, we're like linking it to this bigger thing. And it's like, so hard, because you don't want to be like, “Oh my, do I not have the story, right? Am I like embarrassing Blair’s parents? And like family?”. 

Rachael 08:22

Yeah, exactly. I mean, in the last, I don't know, five years, between my partner and I, we have lost, I don't know, a dozen friends. And it's usually the same kind of story where it, you know, it’s drug related or an overdose. You can always tell because, you know, the family doesn't really want to make a big deal out of it. Because maybe it's like, shameful or embarrassing or whatever. And like, I understand that, you know, but it's also a tick in my brain where I'm like, this was probably an overdose, you know, and sometimes you just don't get the answers. Sometimes you have to assume from what I see. 

Juls 09:04

Yeah, totally. I'm always scared about making the wrong assumptions. 

Rachael 09:09

You weren't close physically, you know, we're, we're in B.C. And most of the people were in.

Juls 09:16

It's like, we don't even get to attend the campfire Blair memorial in Montreal, you know.

Rachael 09:23

And that's usually where it comes out, right? Like, because people feel you're in a space that's like, physical, you can see and gauge someone's reaction. And, you know, that's the thing that really lets people open up and tell the story of what happened. And, you know, absent of that, it's all just internet and I mean, I wouldn't, as a mother, you know, want people to be saying things about my kid, you know, I would want to be private. 

Juls 09:50

Did you know that Blair used drugs?

Rachael 09:52

I didn't have like actual confirmation. I don't think that to me, it was any of my business. Maybe I just didn't. It didn't like I associate in my brain with yeah, I didn't think of Blair and think of drugs or something. It was like, in passing or whatever. Yeah, I guess I could have assumed or maybe had a feeling but no, I didn't get direct confirmation of that from anyone.

Juls 10:15

I guess it's like interesting because I felt like people were shocked to learn that. At the same time, I'm like, most people use drugs, especially in like, an urban music scene. I don't know.

Rachael 10:29

I only think of it like punks in Montreal, like, it's a no brainer, kind of, maybe that's just my own experience. Like I said, you know, like, a lot of the deaths of people that we cared or care about, people are usually located in, in a bigger city, you know, Montreal or Toronto or wherever.

Juls 10:49

Have you known people in your in your geographical community now who have died of overdose?

Rachael 10:54

I mean, I've lived here since 2019. This community struggles, big time, you know, I volunteered at the Out of The Cold shelter here. And thankfully, it was like, such a great place, like really low barrier, really, like, you know, family, like, you know, we get dropped off moose meat, and everyone was eating properly and whatever. But yeah, it's, it's, it's a huge struggle, for sure here. And I think I've probably known people here who have overdosed, like, similarly, in amounts to friends that have overdosed over the past five years. It happens a lot. I think also being, you know, Fort St. James, for anyone who doesn't know is north of Vanderhoof of Highway 16. And it's the end of the highway that goes north there pretty much there's like a road that's like, basically an ice road that can go north really, really far. And then you can loop around to Prince George, but it's not something that you just like, "Oh, I'm going to go this way today" in your like Prius or something. It's like a nice road. 

So, it's kind of like the end of the highway. And those types of situations create, like, supply issues. You know, I've been thinking about this a lot like the supply issues, you know, with all the lockdowns and everything, I think that it's created desperation, and people and they're making drugs that are killing other people a lot. You know, and I don't know that every overdose, especially here is purposeful. People think of overdose as suicide. And, like, if you have, you know, if you've got drugs that are made in, you know, in a really messed up way, and you have no way to check that, I mean, how, how can that be a suicide? You know, it's, it's an accident, it's poisoning. 

Juls 12:38

Yeah, a lot of drugs are put together locally, with very concentrated substances. And then there's no, there's no spectrometer checking in northern B.C. right now, they just started a pilot project where you can submit samples after an overdose to a place in Prince George, and they'll send them to Vancouver to get tested. But you don't have a way to get tested before you put the drugs in the body in your body.

Rachael 13:05

Yeah, exactly. And I mean, here, it's like a primarily Indigenous population. And we all I think, understand, at least, you know, either partially, or fully the relationship between the RCMP and Indigenous Peoples, I mean, they don't care. Really, they don't help, they would never try and find out somebody, you know, died of, they would never send a sample anywhere, if you know what I mean. It's, it's sort of like it is what it is scenario, and then move on, which creates a systemic issue, right?

Juls 13:42

Are there any harm reduction resources where you live?

Rachael 13:45

I'm not entirely sure about that. I have, I know that there's a lot of resources for lots of different things. I'm not sure I know that there's no, from what I understand, like safe supply or a way to check that there are resources for people to, you know, get clean or get support. Like I said before, I was volunteering at the Out of The Cold shelter. And, you know, I, as a former homeless person, I've been to a lot of horrible shelters. Let me tell you in this one, it's a small town and it's a low barrier. And, you know, going to a shelter is normally mean, I'm a white person, I was not addicted to drugs at the time that I was attending those shelters or had any interaction but even, you know, even so, the obstacles are so big and it's it feels like shameful to have to prove it to just get a blanket or whatever, you know, or a place to sleep, which is actually most of the time more dangerous than just sleeping on the sidewalk. This is not like that at all. It’s great.

Juls 14:57

I think this really speaks to why so many people keep the drug use hidden.

Rachael 15:01

You could be in a group of people who also use drugs and still be embarrassed. I think it's such deep seated, from what I see anyway, deep seated like, it's almost as if it's a badge of weakness or something, or failure. It's super unfortunate because that creates a boundary or barrier for people to be able to function with their addiction or, you know, make choices that maybe lead them in a different direction. I mean, you don't if you can't, if you can't, like, interact with the other people in your life without feeling guilty. That's horrible, horrible to live with, I can assume. 

Juls 15:42

Can you describe what Blair looks like?

Rachael 15:44

Well, 2005 or.

Juls 15:48

Whatever you choose.

Rachael 15:51

I would like to remember Blair in 2005, I think. I have this memory of Blair, we traveled one time to, we were racing, doing hitchhiking racing. I don't know if anyone's ever done that before. But we left from Southern Ontario to go to B.C. And we're like, giving each other the finger on the way being like, “Haha”, you know, like, I was with somebody and then, or they were with somebody, and it was like, this race to the end. But I remember what they were wearing so perfectly. It was like, these ripped up blue jeans and a band t-shirt or something with this ripped up vest. But the t-shirt had like a hood or something and blonde hair kind of spiky and all over the place. Very, very adorable.

Juls 16:37

How was losing Blair impacted you?

Rachael 16:40

Well, we weren't super close. By the end of it. I mean, our paths were super different. I live on a farm in the bush, and Blair, you know, in Montreal and the music scene, but our music always connected us. I think that when you see somebody from your past, that you have this such an innocent idea about and then to know that they're not here anymore. It puts your own like, for me anyway, I've put my own idea of life in sort of turmoil like why? Why am I you know, I have five kids, I, you know, have a farm, I eat good food and like, why did my life go so different? And would that have been my end? If I chose something different? It's sort of like, brings your feeling of vitality into question, I don't know, hard to describe. It's like you just keep thinking about it. You keep thinking about it and thinking about it. And you can't wrap your head around the fact that they aren't available to even just be like, “Hey, what's up?” after 10 years, even if you wanted to, or “Oh, hey, I remember this or look at this cool photo”, like that is now done. 

It's the finality of the doneness that makes me feel it's almost like panicky. And again, you know, not being able to not having anybody else around, you know, thankfully, my partner knew them too, but not having anyone else around to get that. It's sort of like this thing happened. They attended a poor substitute for a memorial online because I couldn't be around anybody. Life went on right away. And there's no way to make that any different. I wish I could have known them. The 2022 Blair, I feel that gap. My partner always says this, he says, “There's not much you can do in your life, except leave a legacy”. And he said, “That's all that really matters is to leave a legacy”, you know, and I remember he even has a song about it before we even met. And it's true. I think that that's something that Blair definitely achieved. Especially with music and stuff like those things don't just disappear into the void. Oh, I can hear your voice whenever I want.

Jenna Keeble 19:20

That brings us to the end of this episode of the Unsilencing Stories podcast. To listen to more interviews in the series, please go to www.unsilencingstories.com, and if you'd like to share your thoughts on the episode, message us at unsilencingstories@gmail.com. Thank you so much for listening and please share the project with other people you know.