Episode 1: Kym Porter in Medicine Hat, Alberta Remembers her Son Neil

Jenna Keeble 00:00

Unsilencing Stories is a podcast that reflects the voices of people in small towns and communities in Canada, who have lost loved ones to the toxic drug supply crisis. Since 2016. More than 30,000 people have died from fatal overdoses in Canada and that number continues to climb. The risk in smaller towns and communities is much higher than urban areas because of a lack of harm reduction services, and stigma against substance use and people who use drugs. This podcast is part of a community based participatory research project facilitated by Aaron Goodman, Ph.D., a faculty member at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Surrey, B.C., along with students Jenna Keeble and Ashley Pocrnich. 

The aim was to assist collaborators in publicly memorializing their loved ones and expressing grief as well as challenging silences imposed by dominant media organizations and stigma from society against substance use and people who use drugs. We hope these nuanced stories make it clear why the government needs to be doing more to prevent further deaths. In this episode, you'll hear Kari Ursulescu interviewing Kym Porter, about her son Neil Balmer who died from fentanyl poisoning at age 31 in 2016.

Kym 01:09

My name is Kym Porter, and I live in Medicine Hat, Alberta and I lost my son Neil to fentanyl toxicity, five years ago. Five and a half years ago, just before you lost Riley and Neil was also 31 when he died. He was my firstborn and my only son. I have two daughters now that mourn for the loss of their brother.

Kari 01:44

What was Neil's relationship like with Grace and Erica, your two daughters?

Kym 01:50

Neil's personality on the outside, he was a fun loving, risk taking, goofy fellow. He had a really good sense of humor. He had a big group of friends. Friends were very important to him. He was giving to people that were somewhat in vulnerable situations. If he had a pack of smokes, he'd give you half the pack of smokes. If he knew you needed 10 bucks, he'd give you 10 bucks. 
 
As far as Neil's character, he struggled with some mental health issues. He struggled with depression. I shouldn't say that's his character. That was some of the things that that he wrestled with, with some anxiety. But as far as his character goes, he was interesting because I'm not a faith filled person. I did work in a religious school setting and Neil went to school through the Catholic school setting. That was one thing that he said to me that he would always believe in God that no one could ever tell him otherwise. That was one thing that surprised me about Neil that he had that belief system and so I think it maybe gave him a sense of hope. 

As far as activities go, he liked to camp, he liked to read. He loved graphic novels. He loved trampolining, skateboarding was a big passion of his. Just hanging out with his buddies. He loved watching movies; he had a wealth of information beyond his years of about like he probably could have won Trivial Pursuit because he just knew things that I didn't know how he knew them. But he was, I guess, whatever. He was a voracious reader. So, he picked up and he remembered. He was an auditory learner and he remembered what he heard.

Kari 04:25

Has your faith changed at all since Neil passed?

Kym 04:30

That's a really interesting question. Yes, very much so, matter of fact. Neil struggled with his substance use for probably 15 years before he died and so in my role working in the Catholic school system, I was you know, part of my requirement was to pray. Sometimes I had to say prayers out loud to staff. I was expected to go to Mass and struggled with my faith. I struggled with trying to understand what, why this was happening in our family, why Neil had to struggle so much. Then, after Neil died, I came to a point where I realized, I didn't have to believe that anymore. 

I guess I retired and so there wasn't that hold on me. But I found, what did bring me a sense of connection and peace was walking my dog in the woods, being in nature. So, I just had this realization that I could believe whatever brought me some peace and made sense to me. I don't believe in a God, but I also think that if people believe in a God that brings them peace and makes sense for them, then I'm happy for them. And that I choose to believe in the power of the universe, some people would call that God, some people call that love, I believe in the power of kindness. And that's how I try to live my days is to treat people how I would want to be treated, the golden rule, but also if I could, I feel like I have an abundance of wealth in so many different ways, not necessarily financially. And so, there's so many different ways that I can express that through helping others through, I really try to focus on having a sense of gratitude.

Kari 06:52

So, what would you say that. When Neil was alive, like what was the biggest lesson you learned from him? 

Kym 06:58

I didn't learn it fast enough, when he was alive, I was trying to learn acceptance for the choices he was making, as I understood them at that time in his life. What I've learned from him since his leaving, as like you mentioned, Kari, the understanding of the addiction and the trauma behind so many people that struggle with addiction, and that it's not a choice, and that it's about connecting. Nobody wants to lead that life. I learned that the brain has changed through the chemicals in the brain are changed. And that person hasn't gone away, that person is still there, they still have the essence of love in them. However, it's incredibly hard for them to show that love to themselves and to others when they have that huge burden that they're carrying around with them on a day-to-day basis.

Kari 08:12

What was Neil's relationship like with Grace and Erica, your two daughters?

Kym 08:18

So, Grace was, Erica sorry. Erica was about two and a half years younger than Neil. And Erica was born with a heart condition. She needed her first major heart surgery when she was one and then she had her second one when she was about five. So, in the early years I think that affected the relationship in that, for the most part, we tried to give Neil all attention, because Erica was getting so much attention. But I think, he never said this, but I do believe he was jealous and sometimes he was, he could be quite mean to Erica, as they got older, their relationship changed into one more of a protective nature. 

So, if they would go out together somewhere he would feel like he had to be the big brother and tuck her under his wing. His relationship with Grace was somewhat different. There was almost 14 years difference in their ages. And so, he didn't know Grace, as the same as he did Erica. He liked to tease Grace and one of my favorite things is we have a picture of something that he put on, I think it was Facebook, and it was a picture of him and Grayson and it was Grace rolling her eyes and Neil saying when you tell your teen sis a joke that you read online, and he thought it was hilarious and Grace didn't and so it's the capturing of the their two goofiness’s. We made that picture for Grace, and she has it in her room. And wherever she goes, she has that picture with her, which is quite delightful. 

So, they had, I guess, in some ways, Neil was in a position where he could show Grace more sweetness because he didn't feel so competitive with her. But as he struggled, they somewhat drifted apart. Grace was young, she didn't know initially what was going on, and she didn't really know how to connect with him. I think that actually affected Grace's grief journey after Neil died is trying to figure out who Neil was, who he was in her life. And how it was safe for her to grieve. I think if Neil were to show up today, that would just be love for his two sisters. 

One of our last group pictures was on Mother's Day, he died July the 1st so our last group going out together was Mother's Day. And it's Erica and Grace and I and Neil and Erica's fiancé, altogether, and he's got his arms around them. It's a beautiful memory, but you can see the look of sadness in all of our eyes. Not even really being aware of what was going to happen six weeks later, of course, but you know, well aware of Neil's struggle he just had an overdose a couple of weeks before that. We didn't know that until after he died. But there's somewhat of a haunting look in Neil's eye when I look at those pictures now. But there's also a sense of love in that visual that I have.

Kari 11:52

What would you say has changed the most for you after Neil's passing?

Kym 11:57

My learning about what's wrong in the world, in our society, as far as people's attitudes towards people that use drugs, the stigma, the discrimination I've learned about how to advocate to try to change that to try to add kindness to the world. I've learned to be a different mother to my daughters. I have to be really careful that I don't smother them, that I don't be become overly protective. It's made me, today it's made me lighter, and more grateful and more aware of, like you said, carry the little things and more appreciative.

Kari 12:48

What is one of your best memories of Neil that makes you smile the most?

Kym 12:53

Some of the things that Neil used to say, especially when he was little, he had a real way with words. We were in the grocery store once and Neil would have been about three and his vocabulary was somewhat advanced and the apples were all piled up, and the apples started falling off the shelf. And Neil said, “Look Mum, it's an apple launch”, instead of avalanche, the play on words was brilliant. 

Another story that always makes me smile is he was about five or six and we were driving out to the dump, and we had a trailer we were pulling behind the truck and we had a pitchfork in it, and we got to the dump when we realized we'd lost the pitchfork and fallen out on the road. And Neil said, “People are going to get lost on the way to the dump”. And we said “Why?” and he said, “Because now there's a fork in the road”. So, I think of those things, and some visuals of pictures that I don't necessarily remember but they make me feel delightful, you know, camping trips, and him sitting up in a tree reading a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon book and, you know, some of the stories that some of his friends have shown, told us.

Neil loved Comic Con and so he, they couldn't get tickets, so him and some buddies drove to Calgary, and they snuck into a Comic Con event and just seemed to make it even more fun for him the stories he would share when he came home. I'm finding that the visuals are really important to help cue up the memory and help you stay in touch because the brain does crazy things. I mean, you know as you get older, but also through your grief, you don't remember some of the things, so I really appreciate having pictures.

Kari 14:56

Where did Neil’s love of Batman come from? Is that something he always liked when he was growing up?

Kym 15:02

Yes. When he was little, out of all the superheroes you know, little boys watch a lot of superhero cartoons and that sort of thing. For some reason he picked Batman and he, you know, he was Batman for Halloween, and he would dress up as Batman, you know, pull the costumes out of the toy box, and play Batman. It continued into adulthood, he would go get a Batman, an adult costume and go to Halloween parties dressed as Batman, and he read all the Batman graphic novels and the movies and sort of became an identifier for Neil. And consequently, I got a tattoo with the, you know, the bat wings on it with his name in it, and the year he was born, the year he died because that was so significant for him. 

Kari 16:00

What did Neil have planned for his future, like what kind of things would he look forward to? Did ever want kids or get married, did he have a job in mind?

Kym 16:11

He fell in love with a girl, and he had a ring to give her, and he wanted to marry her. And because of his struggle with substances, she broke off with him, that slayed him. He then entered the paramedic program at the college and that kind of surprised us because he hadn't shown an inkling in that direction before. I still question whether that was a really a true calling for him. He was asked to leave the program because of some criminal activity that he got involved in stealing drugs out of the hospital that he would have had access to because of his practicum as a paramedic, but he got his EMT certificate. 

So, he was working as an EMT, he still within his struggle, he rolled an ambulance. And so, he got fired from that job. And so, then he was wandering for a while. And he didn't know what he wanted to do. He had a buddy that I don't really know, his name was Rod. I don't know how he met him. But he offered him a job in construction and Neil really was a clumsy guy. He wasn't really graceful on his feet. So, he took that job, but he was always having accidents falling, you know, putting a piece of rebar in his leg. But and he drove Rod nuts. But Rod actually loved Neil, actually he named his son after Neil died. Rod had a son and he named him after Neil. But Rod let him go because Neil got offered a job with the city in the maintenance department. Rod said, “You should go do that, Neil, you'll get benefits, it’s full time, our job is seasonal”. And so, Neil, got a job in maintenance, you know, he got to drive a city truck, he got to be outside. 

That was one thing that Neil wanted. But then he decided he wanted to go back to school and become a lab tech. And so, he had to upgrade some of his marks. He tried to do that. About a half a year before he died, he just couldn't, he just couldn't concentrate to do the studying. So, he dropped out of that program and then he continued working for the city. He knew he didn't want the typical job. He didn't want to sit around nine to five. He wanted to do something different, but he hadn't quite figured out what it was. I think he felt compelled to be in a role where he would help people and he had a few jobs in that area. But it is never his substance use always seemed to interfere with him being able to get to a point where he felt like his life made sense for him.

Kari 19:28

So, after Neil passed, what kind of things are you doing to keep his memory alive? I know you did the memorial down off the skate park here in Medicine Hat. What other kinds of things have you done?

Kym 19:38

Well, every year on his birthday, which is November, we go down to the skate park and we have his picture there and we bring a balloon and hang it up and we light candles, and we sing happy birthday to him and then a group of us will go out for a meal together afterwards. That's been a consistent celebration of Neil's life. On the day he died, July the 1st, as you know, we've done a few things with the drug coalition. With COVID, they used to have an event at the skate park that I would go and sit at and hand out information about Naloxone, I had Naloxone kits to give out, I would hand out freezies and just sit on Neil's bench. 

Last year, we had an event there that we participated in and, and just bringing awareness and making connections with people, especially the teenage group that needs to be given the correct information. At Christmas time, we you know, we have a letter that Neil wrote to Santa that I framed, and it goes under the Christmas tree. And we you know, tell stories about them. My daughter's getting, Erica, is getting married in June and so she's going to tie little Batman insignias in her bouquet somehow, so that Neil will be there with her. So, he constantly shows up, sometimes when we least expect it. Those are some of the significant ways, in here in my office, you'll see his picture over my shoulder. I have his artwork hanging on the wall that he did in grade six. And then a little Buddha that he drew me one day when he came to the office to visit me that I kept and I'm so glad I kept it. Just like you say carry every day you think about them. And you know, there's some little thing that pops up that either will make you laugh or feel love or make you feel like crying. I find the biggest thing for me is music. That's a big trigger for me, not even necessarily songs that Neil would have listened to, but just a song will just touch me and bring the tears on. It isn't necessarily bad tears, it's just feeling tears, which I always look forward to actually.

Kari 22:05

What is the most helpful thing for you now, like through your grief, aside from advocacy, I know that's a huge, huge part of your life. But aside from that, like what do you do for you?

Kym 22:15

I walk every day, we used to have a dog, our dog died last summer. So, we used to walk three times a day with our dog. Now we walk at least once, if not twice a day, and we're going for big, long walks, you know, like an hour and a half walk. So being outside, being down by the river. That would be a number one thing for me riding my bike is another thing, as well as I curl. And so, I meet with a group of women once a week and it's just for fun. We have lots of laughs. That's all outside advocacy. Advocacy, of course, is a big, important part of connecting for me as well. But also, my family lives down in the Maritimes. And so, we bought a trailer on a piece of property on a river right beside my brother. And so, we'll be spending the summers here. So that's something that I've always wanted to do that, finally made the decision to do that. And I'm really excited about that.

Kari 23:22

Now, if you could say anything to Neill, what would you say?

Kym 23:27

I would say you are loved; I would say I hope you are feeling the freedom that you so wanted and needed in your life, I hope you're feeling at peace, I hope you feel whatever it is that you need to feel. The big thing is, of course, I hope you feel free, and that you are loved. The fact that we're doing this project is saying something about all our loved ones that they deserved love, that they deserved to be treated with kindness and respect. And that it was a struggle. And we have no idea the intensity of that struggle, and to, if we learn anything out of this, to try to reach out and do at least one kind act a day. Sometimes they make a joke that like I'll help somebody out and they'll say, “Oh, you didn't have to do that”. And I said, “Well, I don't have to be kind for the rest of the day now”, I felt as a joke. So, you get so much in return for doing a kind act to somebody else, like probably sometimes more than what that act was for that person. That's what I would like people to focus on.

Kari 24:38

So, what would you tell somebody who has a loved one struggling with their addiction right now? Like what, if you had any advice for them? What would you say?

Kym 24:47

I would say to try to view it with an open mind, to try to learn as much about the struggle with addiction as possible. There are some excellent books available. If I could say Gabor Maté, “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts”, Johann Hari, “Lost Connections”, those are two. “The Weight of Air” by David Posey, who just actually died yesterday. Reading those books will help give you, us an understanding and a sense of hope. There are lots of different supports available, the person might not necessarily need abstinence only, which was what I grew up thinking was the only way to get through the struggle. 

There's lots of different types of recovery, find what's going to work for your loved one, talk to them about it, help erase that stigma, and let them know that they are worthy. The one way I heard grief described was like, it's like, you're in a boat in the water. And at the beginning of your grief, the waves are washing over you in your boat, and you can you feel like you're not going to be able to catch your breath, but you do catch your breath. But then another wave washes over you again. And just when you think you can catch your breath, the waves keep coming over you. But eventually, what I want people to know is that eventually those waves died down. And that you will be able to catch your breath and you'll be able to breathe for longer and longer periods of time and that you will have smooth waters sometimes. And that you can start to predict your journey, what the triggers might be for the waves coming, getting a little bit bigger, and you can prepare for those. 

Some people don't like to use the word that it gets better. But in my opinion, it does get better. It's work. It's hard work. There's support. But that if you can just find one little thing to hang on to for hope. I came close to the edge I considered suicide. In my case, I think it was my dog and my family. For those who probably do perhaps don't have that in their life, reach out make a connection. You're worthy. Just as the person who died is worthy. Don't give up.

Kari 27:25

And so, my last question is, what would you want people to know, from those of us that are left behind that have lost somebody this way? And like what would, I guess what could you tell people that could help us left behind, I guess?

Kym 27:44

Listen to the stories like this project, we get to tell our stories, we feel like our loved ones mattered. Every time we tell our story. We're honoring that person's lives. We're honoring all the lives. That's why we come out in the open about this, we don't let the stigma of, in my case being a mom, I should have known better, should have done better. I've been told that, we don't let that stop us, we tell our stories. Any opportunity that someone can give someone that has lost someone in this struggle, let them talk about it. Those of us in smaller communities we really, a lot of times people in smaller communities don't speak out because of the shame and the stigma attached to the story. This gives people an opportunity to feel a little bit more comfortable saying the words out loud.

Jenna Keeble 28:37

That brings us to the end of this episode of the Unsilencing Stories podcast. To listen to more interviews in the series, please go to www.unsilencingstories.com, and if you'd like to share your thoughts on the episode, message us at unsilencingstories@gmail.com. Thank you so much for listening and please share the project with other people you know.